Part of your healing is to clear away the unconscious beliefs that have kept you from the solid relationship you deserve. This includes cultural conditioning that it’s shameful to have “expectations” and the core fear that you better just take whatever you can get.
It’s time to change your standards, and here’s what to do:
- Remove yourself from relationships that demean you, both romantic and platonic. Staying entangled with people who drag you down or make you feel badly about yourself wrecks your sparkle and squashes your confidence. When you know it’s bad, end it kindly and completely.
- Clear up romantic “clutter” in your life. To prepare for a great relationship, you want your romantic energy to be composed, in a state of readiness to share with the right person when the time is right. When your romantic energy is all over the place, you could be leaking that potential. Some ways this happens include:
- Staying too connected to exes
- Being in casual relationships with vague plans to get rid of them if someone better comes along
- Pouring your heart into a fantasy relationship.
It’s easy to think these are small things, and if no one really knows about it, it won’t affect your ability to meet “the one.” But healthy people are looking for someone who is fully present and capable of sharing their lives in a good way. They’re not likely to be interested in someone who has one foot in another relationship, even if it’s just a fantasy. Healthy people can sense that too. They’re looking for someone who is totally there, mostly healed, and free of past entanglements.
When you’re involved with someone you don’t actually want to stay with permanently, it blocks your chances of finding someone you DO want to stay with. You may think you’re just biding your time until you meet the right person, but healthy people don’t want to meet you like that. They don’t want to be involved with you if you’re already attached, and they take it as a bad sign that you’re seeking a relationship behind someone’s back.
You want a person who’s picky like that. Not someone who gets into a relationship that’s compromised or demeaning. You want someone who cares about themselves enough to hold out for a good person, someone bright and shiny and whole and available. That’s what healthy individuals do.
- Learn to take care of yourself. If you’re passing your free time in ways that drain your physical and mental energy – an addictive use of substances, food, media, working, or social isolation to escape your life, it will dampen the awareness you need to spot good qualities in people and detect red flags in others. Secret behaviors will sabotage you. Drugs, drinking and porn, for example, are things that people feel like they’re doing privately, but in reality, they change your energy—they change your countenance and dull your light. Unhealed people might not be able to tell the difference but healthy people notice it quickly, and they’re not attracted.
- Deal with your anger. It’s OK to have some anger; it’s an emotion you need in order to stay safe and hold your boundaries. But anger is not, in itself, a boundary, and it can signal to healthy people that you lack compassion and self-awareness.
- Reduce the drama in your life. This is not always something under your control, but drama and conflict could point to a lot of wounding, and high probability that this is what you’d bring to a relationship.
These five steps can’t be accomplished overnight, but they show you a positive course of action that you can begin today. People with a rough childhood can have great relationships. It just takes a little extra healing sometimes.
Ready to heal your childhood trauma? This online course is a good place to start: HEALING CHILDHOOD PTSD
You can access ALL my courses and more in my MEMBERSHIP PROGRAM
Starts December 30: NEXT 8-WEEK COACHING INTENSIVE
Do You Have CPTSD? Take the Quiz
FREE COURSE: The Daily Practice